It’s pretty difficult to get punched in the face on a mountain bike trail, by a human fist rather than a tree or a rock, anyway.
Mountain bikers tend to be pretty friendly, especially if you’re one of their own. They’ll ask you how your day has been, where you’ve been riding, chat to you about your bike and even often help you out if you’ve had a mechanical.
They like beer. They like the outdoors. They like bikes. But they can snap, and if you’ve made them do that, there’s a pretty good chance that you deserve what you’re about to get…
1) Hit A Few Bikes With Your Car When You Arrive, Don’t Apologise
Reason you’ll get punched: Would you hit someone’s child and leave without helping?
2) Persistently Use Bike-Only Trails For Weekend Jogging… And Bring 18 Dogs With You
Reason: You’re a colossal d*ckhead.
3) Use The Trails As Your Own Personal Garbage Dump
Reason: Such a colossal d*ckhead.
4) Leave Loads of Horrific Booby Traps On And Around The Trails
Reason: Co-lo-ss-al d*-ck-he-ad.
5) Get In People’s Face About How Many KMOS You Have On Strava
Reason: Nobody. Gives. A. Shit.
6) Snake To The Front Of The Queue On A Popular Or Busy Run
Reason: Wait in turn or turn around and go home. It’s only fair.
7) Spend Your Trail Afternoon Calling Anyone With 26 Inch Wheels A “Medieval Peasant”
Reason: What is wrong with you?!
8) Ask A Woman If The Sport ‘Is Not A Little Dangerous For You?’
Reason: She’s doing the world a favour by punching you.
9) Pick A Dude On A 29er And Ask Him If He’s Over-Compensating. Do It Everytime You See Him
Reason: If you can’t work this one out, you probably get punched quite a lot.
10) Pick One Guy And Tell Him He’s “Really Coming Along” Every Time He Reaches The End Of A Trail
Reason: You’re that condescending guy that everyone hates.
11) Shout “Downhill Is Dead Bro” Every Time You See Someone On A Downhill Bike
12) Refuse To Let A Horse Past And Try To Ride Narrowly In Front Of It Instead
Reason: Well you won’t get punched in the face by a mountain biker for this one, but you might get booted in the face by a horse.
13) Spend The Day Tailing Other Mountain Bikers Down Trails, Less Than A Metre Behind Them At All Times
Reason: You are quite literally the worst person we know.
14) Point And Laugh At Someone After They’ve Had A Tumble
Reason: Sympathy dude. Sympathy. It’ll be you down there before you know it.
15) Laugh at Beginners, And Deliberately Try and Overtake Them Every Time You See Them
Reason: You are an awful person. It’ll probably be a fellow saviour of a mountain biker that punches you in this instance, rather than the poor beginner themselves.
16) Overtake Other Riders Whenever You Fancy, Sacrificing Their Safety And Stability For A Couple Of Seconds Gain
Reason: You’re that guy. Nobody wants to be that guy.
17) Stay At The Bottom Of The Trail After You’ve Finished, Have A Drink And Watch Back Your GoPro Footage
Reason: You may not get punched, but you’ll probably get a mountain bike to your back and a subsequent face plant.
18) Chuck Someone’s Helmet As Far As You Possibly Can
Reason: You know why, you Machiavellian bastard, you. Is this one a bit too farfetched?
19) Have Your Lunch In The Middle Of A Trail
Reason: There are benches for that shit! BENCHES!
20) If Asked If You’ve Got A Spare Puncture Repair Kit, Reply ‘Yes’, Then Cycle Away
Reason: Imagine you were on the other side of the conversation…
21) Splash As Many People As Possible When Power Hosing At The End Of The Day
Reason: You are a terrible, terrible person. Remind us to unfriend you on Facebook.
22) Wait Till A Group Order Their Round Of Post-Ride Beers, Flip Their Table
Reason: This is getting out of hand, even we want to punch you now…
23) Or, If You’re After The Express Route To Pain, Walk Up To A Mountain Biker And Punch Them In The Face
Reason: If you’re going to knock beers over, you may as well do this. We wouldn’t advise either though.