Cycling Starter Packs: How To Join Any Biking Fraternity In A Few Simple Steps
Want to become a stereotypical road cyclist, mountain biker or hipster tool? Here are our tips on how to get going...
The Mountain Biker
The starter pack craze is taking over the internet, and we couldn't help but feel like we had to get involved.
We've already delved into the basic requirements that you need to get going in a few other action sports, but we felt that with so many types of cyclists out there, it was only right to get a separate starter post on the go for all you two wheelers.
Kicking off our project is the mountain bike starter-pack! It includes all the essential items you need to really be a true mountain biker; some tasty Troy Lee Designs gear, a poster of the messiah Steve Peat, plenty of beer - for shotgunning post-run - and a classic rock CD to provide your shredding playlist.
The commuter can range from the weekend warrior who spends all of his time on the roads or trails to the chap who just bought a bike to make the two mile trip to work each morning.
This is the starter pack to help the latter. There's an air horn to hammer every time a pedestrian gets in your way, and a sturdy shield and t-shirt to try and to protect you from the buses trying to mow you down.
Oh, and also a Brompton. Because for one reason or another, that's a thing.
The Bike Messenger
The bike messenger is arguably the manliest and most mysterious of all the biking sub-cultures.
They're the only one of us - barring the pros - who get paid for what they do, but they have a look in their eye like they're representing the people - riding on a mission to make the world a better place.
If you're getting into this category, you're going to need a beard, tattoos and shades so you too can pretend you're the big man too. And of course your trusty waterproof messenger's bag.
The Cyclocross Starter
Cyclocross seems to be about three main things; ridiculously intense riding, drinking Belgian beer, and getting really, really muddy.
This one should speak for itself in that respect. We've got some shampoo and shower gel so you can wash yourself for hours and return to your regular shade of skin colour.
We've also got some Hoegaarden wheat beer for after so you can fit in with everyone else, and a treadmill, because you're going to need to be super, duper fit to keep peel yourself off that muddy floor, get back on your bike and finish.
The Road Cyclist
Road cycling is a serious old sport. You can't go in half-hearted, and you can't expect to succeed if you don't commit to the max.
The first step in doing that, obviously, is buying some lycra and downloading Strava. This way you won't look like an outsider - although you may look like a bell-end - and you'll be able to see how fast you can comparatively ride.
This means you'll lose all sense of enjoyment in the sport and will be entirely consumed by your competitive nature, allowing you to fit in perfectly with the rest of your new friends.
Now that that's out of the way, we've also included an equation allowing you to work out your all-important BMI, and a picture of some scarily muscular calves. No longer will you ever work on your biceps or six-pack again. It's all about dem calves.
So, you're getting into cycling and you want everyone else on a bike to think you're a dickhead? Well then do we have the starter pack for you!
In the top left you'll see you're new ride - a fixed-gear bike with wooden handlebars. Why? No reason! No reason at f*?!cking all!
We've also chucked in some of those weird glasses that don't actually help your vision, a t-shirt that shows how much you care about the environment, and a pare of skinny jeans that used to belong to your ex.
But if we're being perfectly honest, you probably already own those things, don't you?
The Lance Armstrong
Last but not least is the Lance Armstrong starter pack! This one will help you earn millions, win numerous titles, write yourself into the history books, and then let down all of the ones you love and lose the respect of all around you.
There's some EPO - the performing enhancing drug of choice - and a syringe with which to apply it, then's there's also a stupidly expensive bike and the sudden abandonment of all your morals.
Think this all sounds sketchy? Don't worry. It'll all be worth it when you're on that chat show sofa promoting your upcoming autobiography