Kill it. Kill it with fire. Is it dead? Check its pulse. Better make sure. Better safe than sorry. Better pour petrol all over it, light a match, and burn it down until it’s no more than a small pile of grey ashes. Kill it. Kill it with fire. It’s the Chalk Nano Bag from Louis Vuitton and it will set you back an eye-watering, fire the human race off into space already, $1,590. Yes. That’s right. Just the one-thousand-five-hundred-and-ninety of your American dollars, if you’d be so kind.

OK. So, to be fair, this isn’t technically a chalk bag in the classic chalk bag sense. What we mean by that is your man Alex Honnold isn’t going up El Cap with this anytime soon. It’s purely for fashion darling, a handbag “inspired by climbers’ chalk bags” rather than something which serves a practical purpose. We thought that would make us hate it less but, after writing that sentence, we suddenly found ourselves more annoyed about it than ever. Funny what the writing process can do to a person.

If you’re still reading this it means you’re yet to have angrily hurled your smartphone / tablet / laptop into the nearest brick wall, so well done. Well done for staying calm. Anyway, the ‘LV’ bag is decorated with a chain and functional carabiner fastening on the strap – signatures of Virgil Abloh’s Spring / Summer 2019 designs. You’ve just smashed your phone / tablet / laptop, haven’t you? We don’t blame you.