HOW TO SPOT ONE: They’ve been fixating on the idea for weeks, and goddammit, tonight’s the night – the Virginal Super-Noob is heading out for their first-ever run.

Combat shorts, a 2003 Reading Festival T-shirt and a pair of H&M deck shoes

Under the cover of darkness, praying the neighbours don’t see them, they hit the pavement sporting the best approximation of running wear they can cobble together: combat shorts, a 2003 Reading Festival T-shirt and a pair of H&M deck shoes. If they bump into anyone they know (nooo!), the plan is to slow from a jog to a stroll, while unconvincingly announcing they were simply rushing to the offie before it shut.

They’ll be able to laugh about it in a week when they finally get the hang of things and invest in some proper kit, but right now – huffing twice around the block, temples throbbing, legs screaming – running doesn’t feel very funny at all.

HOW TO DRIVE THEM MENTAL: Don’t, basically. That was you, once. Yeah it was.