1. "Can I stroke it?"

No you fucking can't.

Eric-Jacksom-e1378731164524-1

Eric-Jacksom-e1378731164524-1

 

2. "How long did it take to grow that?"

Far longer than you'll ever be able to grow yours, mate.

Photo: Rome SDS

 

3. "Errr... You've got some Pot Noodle/scrambled eggs/pasta sauce stuck in your beard"

*sigh*

beard noodle bowl

beard noodle bowl

 

4. "Sir, do you mind stepping this way so we can frisk you?"

Not again...

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e5f4006afb1e0848695d7c8f02302eab

 

5. "Sir, is this passport photo really you?"

Really?

 

6. "I didn't know you were ginger"

I'm not.

7kCbLiz

 

7. "What happens when you go down on your girlfriend?"

Oh for fuck's sake...

giphy-3

 

8. "Are you ever going to shave it off?"

Probably not. Dickhead.

Photo: Gert Goovaerts

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9. "You'd look so much better clean shaven"

Cheers for that, Mum.

Photo: AP

Australia's Anton Grimus waits after a men's ski cross heat at the Rosa Khutor Extreme Park, at the 2014 Winter Olympics, Thursday, Feb. 20, 2014, in Krasnaya Polyana, Russia. (AP Photo/Andy Wong)

 

10. "How long do you think it will take me to grow my beard that long?"

What am I, your personal Mystic Meg?

Photo: Todd Selby

 

11. "Does it freeze when it gets cold?"

Yes, yes it does.

Photo: Third Coast Surf Shop

 

12. "Did you forget to shave this morning?"

Oh, piss off.

Photo: Burton

dannydavisburtonsnowboardsapresmayshowroom8libtbbdawfl

 

13. "Do you want a straw with that pint?"

Do you want me to knock your teeth in?

Photo: Tumblr

beard pint straw

 

14. "Did you sleep on your left side last night?"

Fuck. Off.

Photo: Jonathan Daniel Pryce

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15. "Doesn't it get itchy?"

ARGH!

Photo: Whitelines

 

16. "Do you secretly get envious of other men's beards?"

Errr.....

Photo: Jimmy Niggles

 

17. "Did you grow it because you're too lazy to shave?"

In a word: yes.

Photo: Whitelines

 

18. "You know, some people think men with beards are less trustworthy..."

Can you spot me a tenner? You'll get it back by the end of the week.

Photo: Stock

 

19. "What job let's you have a beard like that?"

The best job in the mother-fucking world!

Photo: Globe Tour

 

20. "Will it be cold when you shave it off?"

How about you tell me?

Photo: Red Bull

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