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Need A Ride To The Beach? | Better Hitchhiking In 7 Simple Steps

Arrive at the shred un-raped, un-murdered... and yet still with fascinating stories to tell!

Hitch-hiking can be dangerous, so use caution.

If any of the following are detectable inside the car; electronic prison ankle tag, bloody knife, muffled screams from the boot, nooses, hand cuffs, poppers, or the driver is wearing a leather waistcoat and nothing else, DO NOT accept the ride.

The summer before I got my driving license I stayed in a town half an hour inland from Santa Cruz, CA and had to hitch-hike to the beach every day.

Among other folk, I got picked up by a mormon preacher, a bikini model, my old art teacher’s daughter and an acid burn out Grateful Dead roadie.

I surfed all summer and (/but) didn’t get buggered!

“Standard in-car travel manners apply. Never adjust the stereo from the passenger seat unless asked to and never smell your finger after itching your balls… unless asked to”

1. Hide

If travelling with your better half, get her (him) thumbing curbside while you lurk in the undergrowth. If no one stops for them on a busy road within fifteen minutes, well you may want to look into that…

If you’ve got endless bundles of luggage, try to keep all that hidden too until after they’ve pulled over. Getting them to stop is half the battle.

2. Get your signal right

The thumb up is universally accepted method, but it doesn’t work everywhere.

In South Africa for example, they point down at the road with the index finger. Seriously though, don’t hitch in South Africa.

In parts of West Africa, South America, Iran, Iraq, and Sardinia, a thumb up is rude, literally meaning ‘up your asshole’.

Sensing that she might miss low tide and that the wind was almost certain to come up, Jenny muttered "Fuck this already" and unfastened buttons in the bosom area of her surf blouse.

3. Try not to look unsightly, even if you are…

If your eyes are close together, keep your sunnies on.

Try not to look pissed off, or hungry. Try not to look annoying.

If you’ve got a Canadian maple leaf pin on your backpack (see annoying, above), take it off. Throw it in the canal.

If you are white with dreads, maybe try to keep em out of sight in one of those dread incubator tea cosy hats.

4. Pick your spot

Choose somewhere drivers can pull over safely and easily, and with good visibility, so they can see you.

On the North Shore, folk like to hitch-hike at bus stops for these very reasons. Avoid motorways. Stick to national roads.

5. Leave your quiver

Try to avoid hitch-hiking with boards if at all possible. Otherwise, it’s a double whammy of reasons not to pick you up; It’s a pain in the ass to fit your board in, plus no one wants to encourage yet another turkey crowding up the surf.

If making it a regular shred commute, use your charm, wit and charisma to secure a stash spot for your board at the beach.

In that glory summer of ’93, I left my 6’2″ Pearson Arrow at a pizza shop in Pleasure Point each day, and in return all I had to do was whore myself by doing Dick van Dyke lines from Mary Poppins in my very best mockney accent.

And I only really had to tug them off a couple of times each all summer, max.

Probs wouldn't recommend middle fingering passing drivers in Hawaii, or anywhere... It could affect both your face, and your wave count.

6. Etiquette

Once in, standard in-car travel manners apply. Offer sweets around before taking one yourself, hold farts in, speak when spoken to, never adjust the stereo from the passenger seat unless asked to and never smell your finger after itching your balls… unless asked to.

 

7. Be Thick Skinned

A few years back a rumour went around of an Australian pro surfer (blond hair, ponytail) hitching outside Foodland on the North Shore.

A very large black 4×4 truck passed whose driver flipped the bird, to which the Aussie stepped out into the road and returned the compliment.

The very large black 4×4 screeched to a halt, reversed and a local pro, a well known Backdoor enforcer, thus visited a brief yet effective display of violence upon the Australian pro’s face.

Not only did said surfer get a bleeding nose and no ride, he also caught no waves at Pipe/Backdoor/off The Wall that winter.

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