Nets in boardshorts

You know what I’m talking about? The netted underpants that some manufacturers attach to the inside of boardshorts.

I suppose the thinking is that people still want to wear underpants when swimming or surfing, yet not many waterproof versions exist.

This solution however only results in wearing a piece of kit that catches sand, seaweed, sea life and God knows what else, resulting in you carrying around an extra kilogram of marine ecosystem in close proximity to your genitals.

This net result, if you pardon the pun, hampers both performance and self-esteem, while a long walk on the beach can bring serious testicular pain.

Surf Earphones

It seems that every couple of years some start up brings out a waterproof MP3 player with earphones that will “revolutionise your surfing experience.”

If you put to one side the fact that most surfers enter the water to get away from society’s added noise and the relative anti-social nature of earphones, the main problem is that they never bloody work.

Usually after a fairly benign wipeout, the earphones end up wrapped around your neck restricting your breathing, while your favourite Justin Bieber playlist is lost, swimming somewhere with the fishes. And that hurts.

Surf Skiing

The bastard hybrid son of Stand Up Paddle Boarding and skiing, this involves having a narrow, shorter SUP on each leg, and then riding the waves in a similar fashion to skiing.

An unholy mash of about three different sports that shouldn’t have anything to do with each other, it still does look kinda fun. But that doesn’t make it right.

It will take a surfer of extraordinary skill and Teflon-like confidence to make a dent in any lineup anywhere in the world on this bastard child. If you are that surfer however, what are you waiting for?

Kneeboarding

I feel bad for writing this, for the kneeboard (or kneelo) was a very important sub-species of our sport for a very long time.

Consider them the Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones of the Surf World. Loveable, but denigrated, fun but flawed and forever destined to be made fun of.

A dying breed, the youngest current kneeboarder turned 27 last week, the kneeboard is as hard on the eyes as it is on the knees.

Despite their abilities to ride the tube, there is something plain ridiculous about electing not to use your feet and the lower part of your legs.

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