Are you currently banged-up in D-wing for a ten-stretch following a lickle bit of naughtiness wiv a sawn-off daahn Natwest? And are you lookin’ to keep yourself hench in case fings get tasty with Jonny ‘The Garrotter’ McAndrews aaht on ver exercise yard?

Or, alternatively, are you looking for a fun, unpredictable workout routine you can do without any equipment, anytime and anywhere – whether that’s a Travel Lodge room or the blood-stained concrete floor of a solitary-confinement cell?

Either way, say hello to the king of all prison workouts: The Deck of Pain.

Don’t worry, it’s not as horrific as it sounds. It’s exactly as harsh or otherwise as you want it to be, given that you basically just keep going with it until you can’t move/be arsed any more.

Here’s how big, bad, buff prisoners do it: take a deck of cards and assign a different bodyweight exercise to each suit. So, for example, you could have:

Hearts = squats 

Diamonds = alternate lunges

Spades = press-ups

Clubs = bridge

After shuffling the deck (like a pwopa hard nut), flip over the top card and perform the requisite number of reps of the exercise shown. So if you get the six of spades, you knock out six press-ups. Face cards equal ten reps; ace cards equal eleven.

Then flip the next card, and so on and so on, until you look like it’d take seven or eight guards to wrestle you to the floor. They’d probably have to Taser you and everything. Nice one.

Not got a pack of cards to hand? There are several free apps available that replicate drawing random cards from a deck, including Card Flip for iOS and Random Card and Android. Laaavly.