Mountain Biking

Here’s Scientific* Proof That Mountain Bikers Make The Best Lovers

*When we say 'Scientific'...

Be honest, have you caught yourself staring at your other half and thinking “I don’t want to kill you per se, but life would be better if you weren’t around”? Maybe you think it’s time to see just how many fish there are in the sea?

And there are no greater, err, fish than mountain bikers. Here’s scientific proof that the greatest lovers on the planet are those that point it down hill on two wheels.

1) Courage

Photo: Screenshot

Picture the scene: You’re at the top of a rock-strewn mountain, standing just at the top of a tiny ridge. Any slight movement out of place, and you could go hurtling hundreds of meters down, with rocks slashing your flesh and smashing your bones.

Sounds like the stuff of a Hitchcock inspired nightmare? This is what downhill mountain bikers live for. Faced with such a frightening view, they’d leap at the chance of sending it hard down the trail.

Shit, just getting there probably meant a hike along a tiny path so dangerous it’s called something like the Kamikaze Instant Death trail. And they do it carrying their bike. Mountain bikers have got guts to spare. You’ll never be short of a brave other half to hide behind when it kicks off in Wetherspoons again.

2) Wealth

If your potential beau is into any form of arsing about on a mountain bike, then there’s an incredibly high chance they’ve got some cash floating about. Mountain biking can be a pretty pricey past time, so assuming they haven’t just splurged all their dosh on kit, your would-be lover should be minted.

Granted, it’s not impossible that they’re just the lucky sprog of a wealthy ma and pa, but fuck it, play the long game!

3) Intelligence

Photo: Stock Image

You’d be justified in thinking that mountain bikers were… well, not unintelligent, but maybe lacking in grey matter department. After all, they throw not only themselves around mountains but take along a big lump of metal to get tangled in.

A bit daft, right? Wrong. Mountain bikers have to spot their line, identify hazards, and constantly regulate contrasting forces of thermo dynamics, and do so at teeth-chattering speed. It’s the kind of thing that takes a NASA-level brain.

Have you seen Stephen Fry on a mountain bike? Of course not. He’s just not smart enough.

4) Fitness

Photo: Stock Image

Depending on whether you’re going uphill, downhill or flat, mountain biking can burn anything between 400 and 800 calories an hour. As such this makes for excellent fat burning, and cardiovascular exercise.

But fear not, your future ball-and-chain won’t be stick thin. Mountain biking works the posterior chain, gives the legs a full work out, and also makes for solid forearms. In short, human + mountain biking = hench.

5) Travel

photo: Eddie TK/Flickr

Do you know why you’ve never heard the phrase “I’m off to Bradford mountain biking this summer?” Because it’s never been said. Ever. No, mountain bikers, as we’ve already pointed out, are an intelligent bunch, so they ensure their sport takes them around the world.

Hook up with a mountain biker, and you could soon find yourself on flights to anywhere from France, to Canada, to New Zealand. Or, if they’re a bit more adventurous, India, Chile, China…

Bradford’s loss will be your gain. Lap it up.

6) Feel No Pain

If you’re hooking up with a mountain biker, you’re pretty much assured they’re going to be able to withstand nuclear levels of pain. No more will you have to put up with 4 days of complaining when your partner stubs their toe on the bed frame.

On any given ride a mountain biker has all manner of trail hazards – gravity, sharp rocks, big drops, mud, tree branches, and a menagerie of wild animals – trying to fuck their shit up. And all too often, these menaces succeed. But do mountain bikers quit? Do they balls.

They just shout “whip my spleen out then, I never liked it anyway”. Nails.

7) Excellent Skin

Photo: Stock Image

Mountain bikers spend as much time as is humanly possibly riding around muddy forests. This means that they tend to get so caked in liquid dirt that they end up resembling a B-movie mud monster.

But fear not, when they’ve showered the crud off, they’ve been exposed to exactly the kind of minerals and earthy goodness that rich old women pay £800 a day for in spas, and it hasn’t cost them a penny. And you can ignore the dirt in their finger nails, right?

9) Great Listeners

Photo: Stock Image

Mostly, mountain bikers are lone wolves. They hit the trails and it’s just them and the mountain. Not only does this reduce the chances of them copping off with somebody other than you, it also means that when you talk, they’ll listen.

Chances are, if they’ve been out all day dodging rocks and getting sweaty, by the time they come home to you, they’ll be more than happy to hear the sound of another human being’s voice.

Whether you want to moan about your football team trying to walk it in, or complain about that dickhead in the office with the funny cheese smell, they’ll be there to lend an ear. Granted, they’ll probably be thinking about Strava segment times, but Rome wasn’t built in a day was it?

10) Good With Their Hands

Photo: Stock Image

Plenty can go wrong while your mountain biking beloved is on the trail. From broken chains and blown out tyres, to knackered North Shore and dislocated shoulders, the mountain biker in your life gets pretty used to fixing all of these and more.

As such, they become really good with their hands. And you don’t need us to point out the benefits of having an other half that’s particularly dexterous.

You may also like:

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