Mountain Biking

Lockdown Life | 10 Signs You’ve Been Stuck Indoors With Your Mountain Bike Too Long

How many days has it been now? You're definitely beginning to lose your mind

If you’re a city dweller, who lives and breathes mountain biking, you’re probably really starting to feel the pain of the lockdown now. Heck, even if you live somewhere remote and have been sneaking in some rides as part of your allocated exercise time (please, for the love of god, stay safe out there) it’s probably not been the same has it? No real vibe. No proper atmosphere. No collective excitement about hitting the pub with your mates afterward.

Anyway, here’s 10 signs that lockdown is beginning to get to you. Talk about deeply relatable content, am I right?

1) You’ve Turned The Living Room Into A Trail

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We see you over there. Sticking the 10 best GoPro mountain biking clips of 2019 up on your telly, and “riding” your bike towards it as if, yes, you were the rider in the clips. It’s almost as good as mountain biking isn’t it? Almost. And by almost, we mean it’s nothing like mountain biking in real life and is… essentially… an absolute husk on the enjoyment front.

2) You’re Spending A Lot Of Your Time Staring

The other day you somehow managed to spend 78 minutes just staring at your bike. You know it was 78 minutes because, after 78 minutes of staring at your bike, your girlfriend came into the room and said “you know you’ve spent 78 minutes staring at your bike, don’t you?”

You didn’t know that, and you didn’t care. Time with the bike is sacred.

Other days, you’ve just pulled a chair up to the window and sort of looked out forlornly at the clouds in the sky; imagining untouched trails, muddy berms, and going to the pub afterwards with your mates. You’ve done the tinny thing with your crew on Zoom but it’s just not the same, is it?

3) You’ve Got Dead Into Drawing

“Draw me like one of your French mountain bikes,” says your mountain bike while it’s spread out naked on the sofa in front of you, “Draw me like a Lapierre.”

Di Caps had Winslet and his sketchpad.

You’ve got your mountain bike and a stack of post-it notes.

4) You’ve Been Sleeping With Your Mountain Bike

Credit: Alex Barba MTB

Not in a horny, sexual, way. No. More in a “I just really want something to cuddle” type way. Your girlfriend, of course, didn’t take it too well when you told her that she’d have to sleep on the sofa from now on but she knew you were a deviant when she met you. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

5) You’ve Turned Into A Video Game Addict

“Downhill Domination? Completed it, mate.”

“Lonely Mountains: Downhill? Completed it, mate.”

“Descenders? Completed it, mate.”

“Shred! 2 Featuring Sam Pilgrim? Completed it, mate.”

“Bike Unchained 2? Completed it, mate.”

Yes, it’s fair to say that you have got properly, properly, properly into mountain biking video games. Look. There’s an arse crater on the sofa to prove it.

6) You’ve Rewatched The Classics

Screenshot: YouTube (Teton Gravity Research)

2020 has not been a good decade so far, has it? It’s been, I think we can all agree, a bad one. With that in mind, it makes sense that you’ve decided to jump aboard the nostalgia train (destination: the past) and watch the 10 best mountain biking edits of the decade (the previous decade, that is… not the one we’re currently living in).

7) You’ve Been Talking To Your Mountain Bike

Nobody gets you like your mountain bike. Nobody makes you smile like your mountain bike. Nobody cracks jokes like your mountain bike.

The other day you just sat opposite your bike at the dining room table and listened in awe while it reeled off 53 of the best mountain biking puns ever. In hindsight, now that the drunken fogginess of the night has cleared, it might have been the other way round. Either way, you’re (mostly) stuck inside… hovering on the brink of madness. Send help.

8) You’ve Been Making Cakes

It’s all gone a bit Paul Hollywood up in here, hasn’t it?

9) You’ve Given Yourself A Tattoo

So you watched a YouTube video on how to tattoo yourself at home, gritted through the pain while you stabbed at your own arm with a biro, ended up with a pretty good / bad mountain biking tattoo and now, well now, you’re 99% sure you’ve given yourself a serious arm infection.

10) You’ve Pimped Your Ride

You’ve pimped your ride within an inch of its life. Only thing missing now is an f-off massive speaker hanging off the back of the saddle, and a plasma TV screen fixed to the handlebars.

You will ride again, one day. You will ride again.

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