23 Karl Pilkington Quotes That Prove Travelling The World Is Completely Sh*t

These definitely won't give you a sense of wanderlust.

Photo: Wikimedia.

The Best Karl Pilkington Quotes

Karl Pilkington quotes? Who is Karl Pilkington to begin with? The obvious answer to that can be found on his Wikipedia page. On there, he’s listed as a radio producer, an author, an actor, a travel show presenter, and as a professional friend to Ricky Gervais (not in those exact words, but you get the picture). But, really, who is he? Because apart from being a middle-aged bald man, from Manchester, he might actually be the wisest and most profound man on the planet. We’ve pulled together our favourite Karl Pilkington quotes as heard on TV.


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Despite apparently having a “head like a fucking orange”, nobody in the history of television has ever summed up the bleak realities of travelling quite like Pilkington.

Karl Pilkington and his ‘Pilko Pump Pants’ invention.

Here at Mpora, we’re big fans of Karl Pilkington quotes. He’s a quote-machine, made real, with opinions that are so ridiculous they often go full-circle and end up in the land of comedic genius.

Man, idiot, legend; all of this, and so much more.

1) Pilkington On The Great Wall Of China

Karl Pilkington: “The fact that this one is called the ‘Great’ Wall of China annoys me. I’ll decide if it’s great or not. It might end up being the ‘All Right Wall of China’ to me.”

2) Pilkington On The Pyramids

Karl Pilkington: “I really can’t believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand.”


3) Pilkington On The Sea

Karl Pilkington: “They keep saying that sea levels are rising an’ all this. It’s nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it’s because there’s too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.”

4) Pilkington On The Laziness Of Gorillas

Screen Shot: An Idiot Abroad.

Karl Pilkington: “I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla’s just sat there doing nowt.”


5) Pilkington On The Reality Of Whale-Watching

Screen Shot: An Idiot Abroad.

Karl Pilkington: “I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you see other programmes do it, you’re seeing close-ups of these massive creatures, and the music that’s added gives you a certain feeling. But in reality, you’re stuck on a boat that’s bobbing up and down, you feel sick, and the whale isn’t there on demand.”


6) Pilkington On The Worst Case Scenario

Karl Pilkington: “She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?”

7) Pilkington On The Importance Of Windows

Karl Pilkington: “Stop looking at the walls, look out the window!”


8) Pilkington On The Issue Of Flying Ants

Karl Pilkington: “There is no need for ants to have the ability to fly.”


9) Pilkington On The Subject Of Safety

Screen Shot: An Idiot Abroad.

Karl Pilkington: “Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe.”

10) Pilkington On House Hippos

Screen Shot: YouTube.

Karl Pilkington: “I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they’re meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about.”


11) Pilkington On Chichen Itza

Screen Shot: An Idiot Abroad.

Karl Pilkington: “The Chichen Itza is just a pyramid with four sides, with stairs on each side leading to some kind of bungalow on the top.”


12) Pilkington On The Museum Of Cairo

Karl Pilkington: “It’s like my Aunt Nora’s house – too many ornaments.”

13) Pilkington On Petra

Screen Shot: An Idiot Abroad.

Karl Pilkington: “The only thing that would get on my nerves if I lived here (in a cave) is this sort of ‘open door policy’. Not having a door doesn’t help. Anyone you know could walk past and see that you’re in, and keep nipping in.”


14) Pilkington On Japanese Robot Asimo

Karl Pilkington: “Walks like it’s shit itself, dunnit? Maybe it has, don’t know how human it is.”


15) Pilkington On Volcanoes

Karl Pilkington: I always thought it would be handy having a volcano close to hand. Just to get rid of old mattresses.”

16) Pilkington On Trains

Screen Shot: An Idiot Abroad.

Karl Pilkington: What class is this? Seriously. I’m sat on a shelf.”


17) Pilkington On Mongolian Wrestling

Screen Shot: An Idiot Abroad.

Karl Pilkington: “This isn’t a costume to fight in.”


18) Pilkington On Rio’s Christ The Redeemer Statue

Screen Shot: An Idiot Abroad.

Karl Pilkington: “The only thing that didn’t look in proportion was his chin. He looked like Jimmy Hill!”

19) Pilkington On The Taj Mahal

Photo/Image: An Idiot Abroad.

Karl Pilkington: “This is where Diana had her photo taken when she was having her problems with Charlie. Everyone said this is why she looked so miserable, but to be honest I think she was just sick of being in India.”


20) Pilkington On Hostel Socialising

Screen Shot: An Idiot Abroad (subtitles).

Karl Pilkington: “I won’t be socialising. I don’t do that.”


21) Pilkington On Brazilian Weather

Karl Pilkington: “Is it normal to have sweaty ears? I’ve never had a sweaty ear in my life….They’re not even doing anything and they’re hot.

22) Pilkington On Space Travel

Karl Pilkington: “Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain’t been back. It can’t have been that good.”

23) Pilkington On The Wonders Of The World

Photo: An Idiot Abroad Press Shot (via televisionaryblog).

Karl Pilkington: “I’ve never liked wedding cake due to the amount of icing, but then imagine a wedding cake without it; just a dark, stodgy, horrible dry sponge. The icing covers up the mess, and that’s how I feel about most of the Wonders. They use them to get people to visit a place that you probably wouldn’t think about visiting.”

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